yes to everything
stories from Maine
I was kindly allowed to slip into meeting of the book club at SeniorsPlus in Lewiston. I got there early, so I was able to see the greetings, the settling in, the informal attendance-taking (“I’m not sure where she is. She was here last week!” “Oh, she’ll be here. She’s late because she’s driving her granddaughter to hockey”).
I listened to an invested discussion, even if the talk was not always particularly invested in the actual book. There is room for updates from any of the six women in attendance. (I’m told there are usually closer to 10 women.)
There is room for tangents, but most are interestingly related to the book’s setting, plot, and themes. There are comparisons between the marital and family lives of the characters and of the women in attendance, between historic dramas and contemporary politics.
There is room for vulnerability; A woman speaks about her upbringing in a European country, and how learning English only after immigrating here makes reading certain genres a bit daunting. She’s heartily encouraged to choose the next session’s book, one she feels more comfortable with.
And there is room for disagreement, mostly about whether the book is any good at all.
I sit down afterwards with two of the attendees who are willing to speak to the role of the book club in their social lives.
As is always true of asking this kind of question, I learn pieces of their lives and attitudes on my way to an answer.
First, both women describe a transition into retirement, which effected them differently, but left them with a common challenge: how to build new relationships?
(I begin the conversation with one woman while there is background conversation as others leave the room. Just for 20 seconds on this clip! Bear with me.)
Hear both women express the tension between forgiving yourself and pushing yourself as a single, retired person.
One woman shares about a friend who is intensely struggling with caregiver isolation. Both women react with empathy, but mixed with strong advice: get up and go.
Photo taken by Grace Ellrodt with subjects’ consent.
If it “takes work,” I ask next: What kind of work? What works best to build relationships after a move, after retiring? One piece of advice: Go it alone. Proudly. For you.
Here’s a loneliness antidote they have in common: intellectual pursuits. I mean, I met them at a bookclub, for goodness sake! But their time dedicated to critical thinking goes beyond: Both are enrolled in University of Southern Maine’s senior college.
A second loneliness antidote: local arts and culture attractions— the theater, museums— which can require driving to nearby cities like Brunswick or Portland. It can feel like an ordeal, but hear why it’s worth it:
Another big help to get out the door: continued ability to drive, in the daytime at least. What if they did not have these freedoms anymore? Turns out, they’ve seen good examples of what could help: the good old carpool.
They acknowledge, here, that a healthy body and mind enable much of their engagement. Though concerns about mind/body disability and discomfort remain in their minds looking ahead, they have ideas to lessen loneliness if homebound.
The two couldn’t be better versed in the art of the check-up after becoming a patient on Medicare. While some of the serious questions about mental health and safety felt extreme, and time is short, hear both women express satisfaction for how the medical community supports them.
Sooner or later (sooner…) it came time to talk about… money. No doubt, financial freedom make it possible to say “yes to everything?” Hear one woman’s take on why a lifetime of saving serves her well now. But both women are here together to attend a free book club. SeniorsPlus, that offering is worthy of note.
One of the interviewees talks about her financial stability, the other describes more uncertainty. The impact of finances on housing and social options is clear from their dialogue. But both face common fears, regardless: What will it be like to lose valued independence?
So, in the face of all this, what is loneliness? What is engagement? Hear their distinctions between being solitude, isolation, and loneliness, which they have drawn from their lived experiences.
Following the advice they posed here themselves creates a snowball effect. Suddenly, it gets easier and easier to put yourself out there, try new things, and form bonds that really support you. One reason why: You’ll start to see familiar faces across your groups and outings— crossover friends. The more crossover in faces, the less daunting, the more rewarding.
Though these two people disagree in certain ways about how much of a role attitude, versus circumstance, plays in keeping loneliness away, they agree on advice for overcoming loneliness as two single women.
In a nutshell: say yes to everything. Well, say yes to what you are looking for, whether someone is by your side or not, because someone will be soon.
Maybe that includes line dancing. Maybe.
Thank you to SeniorsPlus in Lewiston, and to the organizer and members of this book club, for allowing me to join in.