decidiendo (deciding)

(a longer) snapshot from Chile

With a woman who which greatly shaped my understanding of engAging. Worth the dive in.

On why bringing younger and older people together would do away with the assumption that older adults are an unhappy burden:

The older adult’s entire world is not deteriorated. [The older adult] had a tremendous life, and has much experience. The older adult should be made the most of [in a positive sense] so that they tell their experience to younger people. Younger people ought to grow close older adults, listen to them, ask them questions.

On what it means to engAge, and why the older adult must take control of that process:

When [my husband] died, I was alone. At first it was the most difficult. Because I didn’t have a life. When he died, I didn’t have a life, I had my work and my own. Nothing else. I didn’t go to eat with anybody, I didn’t go out anywhere.

[I] had to reach rock bottom, feel pain, cry, be alone. And after, realize that I had to live, go on. So I went out. But I decided it. So my son [said to me], ‘Mom, we’re going here.’ ‘No, son’ [I replied,] ‘I’m going somewhere else. I’m going out with my friend. And I, myself, began my life.

I don’t go out a lot, but it’s the space that I am generating. But it has to be generated little by little. That is, you’re not going to get rid of my loneliness if I feel lonely now, and you bring me to [on a trip] tomorrow… introduce me to a man, serve me tea, talk with me, laugh with me… it won’t fill up my loneliness. Just leave me to live my loneliness. If I feel alone, alone, I have to live it, realize that I have to go on.”

On her dreams for this project:

[I hope that] for your thesis, you take away an finding for how society can recover the experience and the knowledge of older adults. Recover it. In some way. That would be beautiful.

On what “loneliness” is in her view:

Loneliness… it’s the affective (the feeling part of you) which hurts. But to represent it… a person standing in an infinite space alone. But at the core, it’s not physical. Loneliness is not physical. It’s emotional. [That nobody] listens to you. That nobody speaks to you. That nobody greets you. And if you speak, it’s not taken into account. That is loneliness.

Speaking about age discrimination in Chile:

To be an older adult is a disaster for society. We are a nuisance. We make less. [Society] has to pay, has to concern itself with our health, physical deterioration, affective deterioration. social deterioration, physical displacement, economic displacement, familial displacement. [And worse for the women.] Yes, worse. For women, it’s more difficult.

Reflecting on experiences with doctors who treat her as lesser, and ignore many parts of her life. And suggestions for them:

I have a bad impression of geriatricians. Because they specialize in older adults, They know the older adult is deteriorating. But they look at you like you’re deteriorated. [Mimicking voice of speaking to child] “Do you speak to your kids? Do you have it clear, what day it is today?” [Softening voice] How is your emotional life? How are your kids? Your friendships? Your social life, your sexual life? [Doctors should ask] these things, I believe. But they don’t have the patience. It doesn’t interest them.

Nobody talks about a sex life for older adults. Nobody. It’s prohibited.

With a psychologist, psychiatrist, geriatrician… they know about loneliness in older adults. [I wish that they would] give me recommendations, suggestions. Do you have kids? How can you interact with them? How can you be closer to your grandkids? Things that you may know, an expert tells you. I would prefer suggestions, a guide in relation to my social life, emotional life, sex life.

On friendship, work, intellectual activity, as loneliness antidotes:

I think that the best companions in loneliness are [female] friends of the same age. Who have the same problems, a similar life. And your partner. The person who lives with you. Because we understand each other, even if we don’t speak about it.

And give older adults work… the work problem. There are people who would like to work, because they’re not unable, and there are people who need it… or need it to feel useful because they do not [contribute] anything.

Aging, in my view, is primarily physical, and mental, too. People who don’t have anything to speak with, who don’t do intellectual tasks, who don’t read… they decline much faster.